I just learned something about myself that I don't really like. Or rather, respect...

Wanna know what it is?  I don't know how to define it actually.  If I HAD to "label" it, I think you might be able to call me a coward.

What?  Yup!  I can't think of another word to describe it.  Allow me to elaborate...

I lost a really good friend in April of this year.  It was a tragic loss.  Sudden.  Unexpected.  Devastating.  I was sad...angry...at a loss but I mourned her death and move on.  Or so I thought.  So. I. Thought.

I have done nothing more than bury it deep within some crevice of my mind and soul only allowing it to escape every so often.  Mostly when I have enjoyed a "beverage" or two or worse, when I interact with the people who also knew and loved my friend.  I have unconsciously, I think, avoided them the last few months.  Not because I don't care and love them but because when I am around them my heart aches because I remember my friend and it hurts...badly.  THIS, is what I have learned about myself that I do not like very much!  I am a coward.  Someone who chooses to avoid what is "real" to avoid what is "real". It's pathetic and sad all at the same time.

I read on facebook how so many of my friends, and friends of Rhonda, are having such a difficult time dealing with her passing and I have, honestly thought "WoW!  It's been 6 months people...time too..."  I know...how insensitive but that was how I felt.  Not in a mean way, just in a practical sense.  But you know, these past few weeks have been tough for me.  Really.  Really. Tough.  It could be a simple conversation with someone who did not even know my friend and I bust out into tears.  My daughter, God bless her soul, will, "outta the blue" look up to the sky and blow Rhonda a kiss and it take everything I got not to fall to my knees and sob. But more shamefully, it's the "posts" or conversations I read or have with her family and mutual friends that I avoid the most.  Probably because they are the most "real".  It's often through these interactions that my eyes weal up and my head starts to pound and my heart starts to ache and quite frankly...I don't like that feeling and so, I avoid it.  Which is wrong and disgraceful, I know.  Still, I do it and I really don't like this about myself.  Not. One. Bit.

And so, here I sit wondering what to do about "that".  You know, the whole "avoiding" thing...I guess I just gotta work on "that".  I have to allow myself to feel sad from time to time.  I have to be "ok" with remembering my friend and keeping her spirit alive through conversations and interactions.  After all, avoiding what IS real and the REAL feelings that come from that is not therapuetic nor healthy.  Today is a new day and