When I was home in Ontario last summer, we went to visit my Grams and although my family tried to prepare me for her mental & physical condition, it hit me like a ton of bricks to see her in such a frail state of being. My Grams was a spitfire, to say the least. To see her like "that" was heartbreaking and I decided that I would rather remember her as the Grams I had always known rather than the shell of a person she had become. Perhaps it was selfish but I didn't return to visit her again. It was too hard...for me.
I have some regret regarding that decision because I wish I would have been strong enough to have gone and seen her one last time. I can't help but thinking that she might have had an "awakening" type moment and she would have started in on some rant about something, like she often use to do. Or that maybe she would have been able to hold Ave & Bryce and give them a hug or share some ice cream with them. Who knows, we could have dealt out a few hands of "31" and bitched at her for taking so long to decide what 1 of the 3 cards in her hand she should discard...LMAO!
I can say with absolute certainty that those things would not have happened had I gone back to see her last summer but what I can't say for certain is that she didn't "know" that me and the kids were there when we DID visit. I can't be certain that she wasn't disappointed, or worse sad because we never returned. If she was, I hope she can hear me up there in heaven and accepts my apology.
On the brighter side of things, I know that she has reunited with my Gramps and they are likely sitting there on their lazy boy recliners in front of TV trays eating dinner and watching Judge Judy lay the "smack down" on some idiot...LMAO! Better yet, I'd like to think that they are up at the "Heavens Legion" sippin' some cocktails and dancing to Anne Murray's "Could I Have This Dance"!
Peace, Love & Eternity Grams & Gramps...
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
Better yet gramma is yelling "Harold make me a tea and don't forget the Pringles and Cool Whip " Grandpa's reply " Yes Dear, anything else ??" I think they knew that they were loved right to the very end and that is all that counts...and that they are together again :)
ReplyDeleteLove You sis !! No Guilt only memories..
This is beautiful ginger. Thanks for sharing. I am thinking that they are there playing poker with mom and dad and the others. It does make it easier knowing auntie and uncle are together ..... It's what helps me with my mom and dad also. Memories will never die.... But missing them all hurts like hell.
ReplyDeleteLove you
Your cuz
Lorrie
Xox
I completely respect your decision not to 're-visit' your gran. I have done this (re-visited) and as much as I try; the first memory of them that comes to my mind is always the last one. Remember your Gran is always with you, and will watch over the babes.. I'm sorry to hear about your loss, but you've honoured her life in your blog. Thanks for sharing. xox
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, Ginger! And so very sorry to hear of your loss - my gran was also a spitfire and I'm (strangely) glad she died in her sleep and never had to go through the non-spitfire phase :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Ging! Love what Cheryl wrote...no guilt only memories...great words! ~Karen xo
ReplyDeleteGing...I am so sorry for your loss. With all of the memoires you shared of your Grams in your post...just remember - one of those are her last true memory of you as well and that they are happy memories...We're never ready to let go no matter how prepared we think we are and there are always a million things we think we could have done differently. Don't feel guilty at all for anything - things always happen the way they are meant to (although I HATE that saying when I'm on the receiving end of it) You have a lifetime of memories of your Grandparents and that's what keeps them alive always in our hearts and spirit. You are who you are in part because of your Grams always remember that...She'll always keep watch over you that I truely do believe her and your Grandfather- I feel Pops all the time and know he's there for me. I love you Ging...
ReplyDeleteHer Journey's Just Begun
Don't think of her as gone away-
her journey's just begun
life holds many facets
the Earth is only one
Just think of her as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years
Think how she must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away
And think of her as living
In the hearts of those she touched
For nothing loved is ever lost-
And she was loved so much.